COMING OUT and BEING OUT:
What You
May Need to Think About
prepared
by
Allies, Counseling
and Testing Services, Division of Equity and Diversity,
Keith
Boykin, graduate of Harvard Law School, and author of One More River to Cross: Black and Gay in America and
Respecting the Soul, Daily Reflections for Black Lesbians and Gays, shares
these thoughts on understanding coming out and being out………
I would say that coming out is not
about issuing a press release, wearing a pink triangle, and marching in a gay
pride parade. For me, coming out is
much simpler. It just means being
open and honest about myself with others. I
also think that being out is much easier than coming out. Being out just means integrating your sexual orientation into
the other aspects of your life, while coming out often involves the drama of
sitting someone down and going through many motions.
The
coming out process is something all members of the “gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgendered and questioning community” (GLBTQ) are faced with at some point
in time. Acceptance of your sexuality may come slowly, may come in stages, and
for some, never comes at all. Remember,
you are not alone, although it may feel that way!
Throughout
the discussion being shared with you, it is important to realize that through
the years different terms have been used to include those who are GLBTQ, such as
homosexual, queer, lesbian and gay. The term gay or GLBT will be used in this
resource to be inclusive of all persons in the GLBTQ community.
The
coming out process can be a frightening and yet exhilarating experience.
Coming out includes coming to terms with one’s own sexual orientation
and eventually sharing that knowledge with others.
The coming out process is very personal and happens in different ways for
different people at different times in their lives.
Some persons choose to never come out, while others may choose to come
out to a few persons, and still others have decided to be out.
Make
sure you are coming out for the right reasons.
Do not come out to others for shock value or to retaliate.
Carefully think about when and how you will come out, so that you are
learning to take responsibility for this aspect of your life.
It may not be easy, and you do not need to rely on just yourself at this
time.
There
are many individual and diverse variables which relate to coming out.
Included are family, culture, race, ethnicity, religion, gender, age,
political affiliation, military experience, or being differently abled.
Additional factors may stem from community, living, educational and work
environments, and other experiences affecting an individual.
Fortunately, in recent years, more persons
are feeling safer to come out and be out, than before.
Included are persons in their 30’s, 40’s, and above, who are outing
themselves for the first time. Additionally,
persons that may have been oppressed due to numerous aspects of their lives, are
coming out as they may be gay, a person of color, differently abled, military
veteran, former boy scout, HIV positive or have AIDS.
For
many, a reason it is difficult to come out is because they may have heard
discriminatory remarks about gays from their parents and family members, as well
as from neighbors and others at school, work or church.
Harassment may have been witnessed.
Confronting oppression is often time and energy consuming, with
individuals making personal decisions about when to come out and to whom. It is
understandable that it will be difficult to come out to your family members if
they made discriminatory remarks directed toward gays, and possibly members of
other groups, while you were growing up. This homophobic presence is unfortunate
because in many families there is at least one gay family member or friend.
When homophobia exists in the family, the son or daughter often believe
they will never be able to share their sexual orientation and important life
experiences with those they love, due to oppressive communication or actions
witnessed.
It
appears that the prospect of realizing you are gay, lesbian, or bisexual can be
so frightening or unknown that you may deny your sexual orientation, and this
can result in lack of self-esteem and self-acceptance.
On the other hand, coming out can be one of the most rewarding
experiences of your life.
An
increasing number of students today are somewhat comfortable talking to parents,
family members, friends, allies or counselors, when they realize they have
questions about their own sexual orientation. If this is your situation, you likely have an idea if talking
to your family is a safe option for you at this time. Talking about your
feelings with others who care and who are not judgmental, may be helpful, rather
than repressing questions and feelings. For
this reason, it is common that students first come out to friends and
counselors.
Other
gay persons may be able to provide emotional support and share their coming out
experiences with you. Although coming out is different for most everyone, the
experiences of other GLBT persons can prove to be invaluable and provide insight
into how others may react to your news.
Students
at UNT have a unique opportunity to better understand their sexuality and sexual
orientation through the many resources the university community provides.
Certainly, life for the GLBT student may be more challenging, due to
societal prejudices and lack of knowledge about homosexuality. Coming out
requires that you develop the courage to appreciate your own experiences and
trust your judgement above all else. The
information being shared with you should serve as one resource in your coming
out process. You are encouraged to
talk with thers, read, and seek support for your self-identity search.
When
outing yourself to family members and others, including co-workers, friends and
neighbors, you will realize there
are similarities in the coming out process.
Many believe coming out is a lifetime process. As noted previously,
another way to view your acceptance and openness about your sexuality is to
consider yourself to be out.
Having
read and thought about the information presented, students often realize they
are closest to family members. Family
members often think they know everything about you. When coming out,
Coming
out is likely to be a more positive experience when you are clear about your own
feelings. Before you come out to
others you must first come out to yourself. It is important to be comfortable,
secure and educated about your sexual orientation. Family members and others
will have questions. The more educated you are on the issues, the easier it will
be to discuss the issues in what could be an emotionally charged setting.
Practice what you are going to say.
Practice your responses in anticipation of how the person or persons
might react.
You
have made the decision to come out and you feel that sharing this part of who
you are, will enhance your close personal relationships. You should make the
decisions - if, to whom, when, and how to come out – in your own way. Do not
allow others to pressure you to come out. It
is you that will have to deal with the consequences, positive or negative, of
this decision.
It
may be best if coming out is not a spur-of-the-moment act or a group event.
Think about whom you want to tell first, when a good time will be for
such a private conversation, and how family member(s) might react.
A family gathering or a high stress situation may not be appropriate
times to come out. Select an
appropriate time and place where you can give your family or friends an
opportunity to express themselves and ask questions they may have.
Try
to make sure you have support you can turn to. Coming out is a process.
Initially, come out to the family members or friends with the least
amount of risk. These family members and friends can help to explain your
situation to others and may be able to share their experiences of coming to
terms with your sexuality. This may become a helpful resource for you.
In
coming out to family members, you hope they will show you love and support.
They may actually need your support at the moment of revelation.
Think about the following in advance:
·
Try to foresee
possible risks. Can you plan ahead to successfully handle consequences that
result?
·
Your family
may be shocked, confused, or afraid, which may show on their faces or through
their words. Think back to how you
felt when you first realized you were gay.
How long did it take you to get used to the idea yourself?
Be patient.
·
Your family
may wonder why you kept this secret from them.
They may be saddened that you felt you could not share this information
and that you did not seem to trust them. However,
you are showing great courage and trust in coming out to them now.
This should be the focus.
·
Your family
members may be sad. They may cry.
They may grieve. They may grieve for a lost dream of your future - an image
that started when they learned they were expecting you and then later imagined
your first day of school, college, marriage and even grandchildren.
These dreams may appear to be lost to them and they may need to grieve
before they can build new dreams with the new information you have shared with
them.
·
Your family
may have concerns based on religion, culture or what they have been taught.
Religion is often a perceived obstacle.
If you are familiar with your parents’ and family members’ religious
beliefs, you may be able to anticipate their reactions.
A point to try to understand is that we are all individuals, with our own
opinions or interpretation of religious
Family
members for many gays and lesbians may be incredibly supportive from the very
moment their loved one comes out to them. They
may have suspected your secret even before you suspected it yourself.
If so, you may be very lucky. However, this does not mean your family
will not have questions or concerns. So,
read on……
·
Your family
may wonder if your belief that you are gay, lesbian or bisexual is just a phase
or is youthful experimentation rather than your true self.
Questions often relate to whether or not sexual orientation is a choice. Based
on your personal experience, what can you share with them to help them
understand that this is "who you are" and not "what you do"?
As noted previously, for those who are questioning their sexual
orientation, these questions may be shared and answered with a family member or
members if you feel comfortable doing so.
·
Your family
may wonder if something they did, or something someone else did, made you gay.
There was a time when professionals believed homosexuality was caused by
parental behavior or other situations young persons were confronted with.
These ideas are no longer founded as being true.
However, many individuals had feelings they were different from a very
young age. Being able to talk about
your own feelings and experiences and having access to scientific literature and
resources, will be helpful if these questions arise.
·
Your family
may suggest that you get psychological counseling. It may indeed be very helpful to you or to your family
members to have an opportunity to talk about feelings and concerns with a sympathetic
and knowledgeable counselor. Please
note the American Medical Association and the American Psychological Association
state claims of “reparative” or “conversion” therapies are questionable
and even unethical.
·
Your family
may have many fears, such as, you will not be able to get a job; you will be a
victim of hate crimes; or, you will
contract AIDS. Unfortunately, these
are legitimate concerns. Many laws,
such as employment laws, do not protect individuals on the basis of sexual
orientation. Hate crimes against GLBT persons, and those perceived as being gay,
are reported in the media. AIDS has not been cured. Personal, private behavior is illegal in states that still
have sodomy laws. It is important
that you and your family members acknowledge reality and seek
pertinent information through local, state and national organizations and
available resources.
·
If you come
out to one or two family members, they may ask you to keep your secret a while
longer. You have begun to come out
of your closet so to speak, but your parents or siblings may retreat into one,
while they try to figure out the influence of others - what grandma will
say, what the neighbors will say, or what persons at work or church will say.
You may be ready to tell the world, but they may not be ready.
How can you come to an agreement that honors your need to be yourself
while respecting their need for time to grieve, think, gather information, and
move toward full acceptance?
Being
in a family where you can be yourself openly and honestly and share your hopes
and dreams is a wonderful gift. Remember
to think through when, how, and to whom you will come out and to practice
what you will say. Plan answers to
the questions and situations you foresee. Be
prepared to say "I do not know" when that is the truth.
You will not have all the answers; none of us do.
When you are comfortable with your own sexual orientation, you will be
better able to answer questions in a clear and positive manner. It will also be
easier to help others understand that your sexual orientation is part of who you
are.
Be prepared to work with your family and those important to you, through the process of coming out and being out. This will likely be a lifetime process for you and those close to you.
Parents,
Families and Friends of Lesbians and
Gays (PFLAG) is an organization which offers great support and information.
PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and
transgendered persons, their families and friends through support to cope with
an adverse society; education to enlighten an ill-informed public; and,
advocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights.
PFLAG provides opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and
gender identity and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of
human diversity. If you or your parents are interested in finding a PFLAG
Chapter, a complete list of locations and contact information for local chapters
in Texas and throughout the nation is available at the PFLAG website.
The chapter closest to UNT is Denton County PFLAG with the website. www.pflagdenton.f2s.com/
You
best know your family. How do your
family members react to gays in the news, gays on television shows or in films?
If you choose to come out to your parents, friends or peers, observe their
feelings on the issues first. If
parents and friends have always been hostile or negative toward gays and gay
issues in the media, you might try to educate them subtly or bring up issues
first to prepare them. You could start by asking what they think of issues such
as gays in the military or gay student groups on campus. Their responses can
help you gauge how they are going to react to your news.
Please
realize that through the years, countless sons and daughters have been turned
away when their family members learned they were gay or lesbian. This reaction
could mean elimination of all financial support including payment of educational
expenses.
At
UNT, when faced with difficult situations, students often cherish the empathy
and friendship received by their peers in student organizations such as Delta
Lambda Phi and the Gay and Lesbian Association of Denton (GLAD). Also, there is
a UNT Queer Faculty and Staff Group (QFS) dedicated to serving the needs of
UNT’s GLBT population. You may
find it empowering to know there are others like you. The opportunity to talk
with counselors in Counseling and Testing Services, allies, faculty, staff,
resident assistants (RA’s) and peer advisors (PA’s) may be helpful.
Dependent on the discussion, it may be suggested that you make an
appointment to see a counselor in Counseling and Testing Services.
In fact, the person you are sharing information with, may offer to walk
with you to suite 321 in the University Union to set up the appointment.
Perhaps
a difficult step in coming out is revealing your sexual orientation to non-gays
because at this step you may encounter additional negative consequences, many of
which have been noted previously. Non-gays
may be shocked, confused, and may even reject or mistreat you.
Coming
out to others is likely to be a more positive experience when you are clear
about your own feelings and thus less reliant on others for a positive
self-image. Because this process of
clarification of feelings takes place over time, it is usually not a good idea
to come out on the spur of
the moment or as a reaction. You
will likely be more successful with sharing a specific response important to
you, while at the same time truly trying to understand where the other person is
coming from. Listening and empathy
are important. Think about this, and then continue to read on….
In
coming out to others, you may want to consider the following:
·
In many communities the climate
is changing. However, there are
still places where the most private expressions of sexuality between gays
are illegal. Loss of employment
or housing are possibilities when coming out to others.
However, some laws are slowly changing.
·
Think
about what you want to say and choose the time and place carefully.
·
What will
you say when those you socialize with or those you interact with at school,
church, or your living environment, ask if you are gay or lesbian?
·
Be aware
of what the other person is going through.
Is the time right to talk about this?
Sometimes, a discussion later works best, to include an appropriate
environment.
·
Present
yourself honestly and remind the other person that you are the same
individual you were yesterday. Being
honest with others may help them be honest with you.
· Be prepared for an initial negative reaction from some people. Some persons will likely tell you they do not want to know about your sexual orientation, and that it makes them uncomfortable
Do
not forget that it took time for you to come to terms with your
sexuality therefore, it is important to give others the time they need.
One step at a time, learn to meet others where they are.
·
In terms
of coming out or being out with co-workers, remember you may interact with
them frequently. Once you come out, there is no turning back.
You
have the opportunity to help others learn to become inclusive, tolerant and
accepting of the many diverse individuals we interact with throughout our
lives. Consider setting the
example of celebrating diversity! Be
a positive and caring person to others.
Homosexuality touches upon a multitude of defining groups, be it
ethnicity, culture, religion and others; thus, achievement of inclusiveness
is a respectable goal.
Coming
out to one’s self and to those most important to you, are merely parts of
the life-long process of coming out and being out.
While many gays and lesbians can name a year in which they came out,
this just marks the beginning of being out, not the end of a one-time
experience. There is
no set pattern of how these experiences happen, but they do happen for those
in the GLBT community whether the decision is to tell or maintain the secret
or just let people figure it out.
Coming
out and being out follow one through life as one encounters the extended
family and adds to one’s circle of friends and those we interact with in
various situations.
The
workplace provides a locale for the ongoing issue to come out or not.
One of the first questions people ask the new person at work is
“Are you married?” Imagine
the challenge of Monday morning conversations questioning what did you do
over the weekend. Imagine the
challenges and assumptions of holiday conversations around the office.
If you are not out, others may perceive you as single and try to set
you up, invite you so you are not alone, or assume you will be going home to
family. How do you share what
you did over the holidays? If
you are not out, you may expend energy hiding important events and people in
your life, while maintaining the illusion of this other character and life.
Every
time GLBT persons face a demographic survey, they are faced with another
dynamic of being out. If you
are in a relationship, do you check single or married?
You know what those terms really mean, yet you may feel the tension
of denying your relationship if you check single.
Do you write in “other?” Is
that safe?
Acquiring
appropriate and adequate medical care raises another coming out event.
Do you tell your physician or not?
When your doctor asks you if you are sexually active, what do you
say? If you say yes, but do not
note you are gay, it could possibly compromise the quality of your medical
care.
The
decision to come out or not is present when GLBT couples buy a house
jointly, prepare wills and medical/durable powers of attorney, enroll their
child in school and many other situations.
Remember
it is the presumption that every one is heterosexual that creates these
situations. The assumptions and
questions of others put the GLBT person on the spot where he or she has to
decide to come out or not. Others
frequently accuse gays of making sexual orientation an issue.
Gays are often blamed
for bringing this up and throwing it in others’ faces.
Gays are caught in a catch 22 concerning coming out.
How will you handle these types of situations? Again, this is
something to think about as your life changes.
What is most important to you as you face the world each day?
EXCERPT FROM SPEECH GIVEN BY TAMMY BALDWIN,
D-WISCONSIN, LESBIAN AND U.S. REPRESENTATIVE, SPEAKING AT THE MILLENNIUM
MARCH ON WASHINGTON, APRIL 30, 2000
If
you dream of a world in which you can put your partner’s picture on your
desk, then put his picture on your desk and you will live in such a world.
And if you dream of a world in which you can walk down the street
holding your partner’s hand, then hold her hand and you will live in such
a world. If you dream of a world in which there are more openly gay elected officials,
then run for office and you will live in such a world.
And if you dream of a world in which you can take your partner to the
office party, even if your office is the U.S. House of Representatives, then
take her to the party. I do,
and now I live in such a world. Remember,
there are two things that keep us oppressed: them and us. We are half of the
equation. There will not be a magic day when we wake up and it’s now OK to
express ourselves publicly. We must make that day ourselves, by speaking out
publicly – first in small numbers,
then in greater numbers, until it’s simply the way things are and no one
thinks twice. Never doubt that we will create this world, because, my
friends, we are fortunate to live in a democracy, and in a democracy, we
decide what’s possible.
Ally Program -
At
UNT the ally respects all people regardless of age, color, disability,
gender, national origin, race, religion, sexual orientation and veteran
status. All UNT employees and
students are expected to be
respectful
of equity and diversity. The
person displaying the ally identification in his/her office/work area, has
completed ally training and has pledged to listen and be understanding. Safe
zone and ally programs are offered through educational institutions
worldwide to assist gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and other persons.
The ally program website includes “Ally Program Website Resource Information,” which is a listing of local, Texas, U.S. and international websites that highlight current issues important to GLBT persons. This resource includes websites for churches, gay media sources, GLBT community centers and support organizations, counseling services, and GLBT bookstores which offer a wide variety of books students may find of interest.
The
ally program website lists books on GLBT issues, which may be found in
Willis Library, UNT campus.
CTS is located in the University Union, suite 321, and provides free, confidential, professional psychological services to currently enrolled students. The counseling staff provide a nonjudgmental and caring environment to explore issues and concerns including sexual orientation, relationship issues, career decision-making, depression, and stress management. Students may call the office at (940) 565-2741 or stop by to schedule an appointment. Crisis counseling is also available on an emergency basis during regular business hours.
Department of Housing and Residence Life
– http://www.unt.edu/housing
Division of Equity and Diversity –
The
Division of Equity and Diversity, located in the Administration Building,
Room 121, is committed to executing the mission of the University as it
relates to the recruitment and retention of faculty,
Gay and Lesbian
Association of Denton (GLAD) –
GLAD is a gay,
lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and straight student organization at UNT.
GLAD provides emotional, political, educational, spiritual, and
social support for members and those who attend.
GLAD is dedicated to provide education and awareness to the community
at large regarding GLBT issues. Questions
about the organization can be e-mailed to GLAD@unt.edu
Refer to website for specific information.
North
Texas Chapter of the National Coalition Building Institute (NT-NCBI) - www.unt.edu/hr/training
The NT-NCBI program is based in UNT Human Resources, Marquis Hall, Room 105. NT-NCBI
is dedicated to ending the mistreatment of every group whether it stems from
nationality, race, class, gender, religion, sexual orientation, age,
physical ability, job, or life circumstance.
The mission of the organization is to cultivate community and develop
leaders by promoting greater understanding and appreciation of diversity and
by building bridges of cooperation among all people. Questions about NT-NCBI may be e-mailed to bbates@unt.edu
Student Health and Wellness Center (SHWC)
– w
The
SHWC is located on campus at the corner of Chestnut Street and Avenue C and
provides medical services for students.
The Health Education office is located on the second floor and
BOOKS
ON COMING OUT, BEING OUT and OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS:
*Several
of the listed authors have served as speakers at UNT.
A Family and Friend’s Guide to
Sexual Orientation (1996) Bob
Powers and Alan Ellis
Acts of Disclosure, the Coming Out
Process of Contemporary Gay Men (1998)
Marc E. Vargos
Beyond Acceptance, Parents of Lesbians
and Gays Talk About Their Experiences
(1996) Carolyn Welch Griffin, Marian J. Wirth and Arthur G. Wirth
Beyond Coming Out, Experiences of Positive Gay Identity (2000)
Kevin Alderson
Breaking the Surface (1995)
Greg Louganis and Eric Marcus
Coming Out: An Act of Love (1990)
Rob Eichbers
Coming Out Every Day, A Gay, Bisexual or
Questioning Man’s Guide (1997)
Bret K. Johnson
Does Your Mama Know?
An Anthology of Black Lesbian Coming Out Stories
(1998) Lisa C. Moore (Editor)
Empowering the Tribe, A Positive Guide to
Gay and Lesbian Self-Esteem (1999)
Richard L. Pimental-Habib
Entiendes
(1995) Emilie L. Bergmann and Paul Julian Smith (Editors)
Exile and Pride, Disability, Queerness, and Liberation (1999) Eli Clare
Family Outing
(1998) Chastity Bono and Billie Fritzpatrick
Friends and Family, True Stories of Gay
America’s Straight Allies (2000)
Dan Woog
Growing Up Gay/Growing Up Lesbian:
A Literary Anthology (1994)
Bennett L. Singer (Editor)
Home Girls, A Black Feminist Anthology
(1999) Barbara Smith (Editor)
I’m the One That I Want (2001)
Margaret Cho*
Is it a Choice?
(1999) Eric Marcus
Journey Out: A Guide for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Teens
(1999) Rachel Pollack
Just A Mom (2000)
Betty DeGeneres
Legal Queeries, Lesbian, Gay and
Transgender Legal Studies (1998)
Leslie
J. Moran, Daniel Monk and Sarah Beresford (Editors)
Love, Ellen, A Mother/Daughter Journey
(1999) Betty DeGeneres
Loving in the War Years (1983)
Cherrie Moraga*
Loving Someone Gay
(1997) Don Clark
Now That I’m Out, What Do I Do
(1997) Brian McNaught
Now
That You Know, A Parents’ Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian
Children (1998)
On Being Gay: Thoughts on Family, Faith, and Love (1989)
Brian McNaught
One More River to Cross:
Black and Gay in America (1996)
Keith Boykin*
Out on Fraternity Row: Personal Accounts of Being Gay in a College Fraternity (1998) Shane L. Windmeyer* and Pamela W. Freeman (Editors)
Outing
Yourself, How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends and
Coworkers (1995)
Permanent
Partners, Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships that Last
(1988) Betty Berzon
Prayers
for Bobby: A Mother’s Coming to
Terms With the Suicide of Her Gay Son
(1995) Leroy Aarons
Respecting
the Soul, Daily Reflections for Black Lesbians and Gays
(1999) Keith Boykin*
Restricted
Access, Lesbians on Disability (1999)
Victoria A. Brownworth and Susan Raffo (Editors)
Secret
Sisters: Stories of Being Lesbian
and Bisexual in a College Sorority
(2001) Shane L. Windmeyer* and
Pamela W. Freeman (Editors)
Setting
Them Straight, You Can do Something About Bigotry and Homophobia in Your Life
(1996) Betty Berzon
Something
to Tell You, Between Men – Between Women: Lesbian and Gay Studies
(2000)
Gilbert Herdt Bruce Koff and Paul Beeman
Take
Back the Word, A Queer Reading of the Bible (2000)
The
Original Coming Out Stories (1995)
The
Gay and Lesbian Self-Esteem Book: A Guide to Loving Ourselves
(1999) Kimeron N. Hardin
The
Intimacy Dance, A Guide to Long-Term Success in Gay and Lesbian Relationships
(1996) Betty
Berzon
The
Preacher’s Son (1996)
Marc Adams*
Trailblazing:
The True Story of America’s First Openly Gay Track Coach
(2000) Eric Anderson
Two Spirit People, American Indian
Lesbian Women and Gay Men (1997)
Lester B. Brown (Editor)
Waiting
in the Wings, Portrait of a Queer Motherhood (1997) Cherrie Moraga*
What
the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality
(1994) Daniel A. Helminiak
June 19, 2003
Tim Lane, Ph.D.